23 December: Pie, mash and plaster

Usually this would be some elaborate three-course affair, but Mrs Policyholder was feeling a little more tired than usual, so went to the pantry and pulled out her faithful standby - the classic Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie.

For those of you not familiar with the culinary delights of Fray Bentos, it is basically pie in a tin.

As mentioned previously, Mrs Policyholder was more accustomed to cooking gourmet dinners than tinned pie, but compared to her usual fare she wondered: how hard it could be? And so without reading the step-by-step ‘cooking' instructions, she turned and put the tinned pie on top of the stove to cook - without removing the lid.

Mrs Policyholder continued to potter around the kitchen while tea was on the stove, until she realised she had forgotten to pick up the perfect accompaniment to the dish - marrow fat peas, so decided to pop to her neighbour to see if she could borrow a can.

Meanwhile, the pie remained on the hob, getting hotter and hotter until it exploded, sending red-hot steak and kidney pieces resembling the action of a napalm bomb, throughout the entire house at the velocity of a speeding ballistic missile.

On hearing the explosion, Mrs Policyholder returned home to be greeted with gravy dripping from the ceiling, and steak and kidney pieces literally embedded deeply into the plastered walls at the level of two floors. Every inch of plasterwork throughout the house and even some of the bricks needed complete replacement.

The result? A call to the insurer, and a disproportionately expensive claim.

Source: Foster Orr & Greenaway

Don't forget to check back to see what's behind the door of the Post advent calendar each day.